she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
