I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
