i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
