On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
