So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
