My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
