Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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