I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
