Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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