I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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