I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
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