Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
