Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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