No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
