Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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