dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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