I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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