Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
