Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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