Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
