if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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