If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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