I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
