Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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