first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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