It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
