So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
