who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
