I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
