my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
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Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
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Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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