Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
