At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
