Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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