Just took my morning after pill in the library
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
