my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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