sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I will pee on everything he values.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
