actually, I'm a sock model
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
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I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
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There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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