If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
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Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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