i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
