I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
