If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
