Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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