I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
