I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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