I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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