You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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