My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
