I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
