i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
