Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
