my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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