Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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