Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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