My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
